Friday, May 29, 2009

Initial reports from the Scottish front

Studio: First reports just coming in from the front. We now go live to Khan, on the scene in her new Dundee apartment. Khan?

Field: Thanks so much, Ayesha. Well, it's a cold day here in Dundee -- but then again, it's cold the vast majority of the year. The garrulous driver who got me from Edinburgh airport to my new flat told me that when the wind changes, it's apparently coming right the smeg from the Siberian plains via Scandinavia, and is, and I paraphrase here, colder than a brass monkey's balls in a blizzard.

Studio: That's very cold indeed, Khan.

Field: Yes it is. I had to wear gloves this morning and evening, though it was nearly T-shirt weather around lunchtime. In other news, the flat is a two-bedroom, and very unexpectedly came with a roomie -- a red-headed Texan Ass-Prod --

Studio: I'm sorry, that must have gotten garbled. Did you say ass prod?

Field: Yes, Ayesha; that's what we in the game industry call an Assistant or Associate Producer. Anyway, she arrived last weekend and was also very surprised to find out she was going to have a housemate.

Studio: And how's the apartment the company set you up with?

Field: This reporter has had no particular objections to the company's treatment of her so far. Also, the view from the flat's balcony is quite nice, and it's less than a twenty-minute walk from work.

Studio: Which is a good thing, as you're unlikely to get a car, yes?

Field: Damn straight, Ayesha.

Studio: And how are you finding Dundee so far?

Field: Full of history, of course, but this is Europe, where it comes from, as Mr. Izzard says. The oldest British man-o'-war still afloat, the Frigate Unicorn, is moored literally down the street from where I am. I can see it from my balcony, and it's very impressive-looking. A few shopping centers, that could be from anywhere in the world. Lots of pubs, but few that serve any food after eight p.m., which feels strange. Also, all the shops close by five-thirty or so.

Studio: The question arises of when the hell they think anyone has time to go shopping.

Field: Rather what I was asking myself. The flat comes with a television, but the quaint British basic package only includes four channels, and at any one time three seem to be playing news or talk shows discussing Parliamentary scandals.

Studio: And are you familiar with the issues being discussed therein?

Field: Less familiar than a scorpion with a bathing costume, Ayesha.

Studio: With a?

Field: Swimsuit, in Limey. Do you realize this entire country contains only five million people?

Studio: Holy crap, Khan.

Field: Exactly. Reporting from Dundee, this is Khan, in search of emotional and intellectual stimulation, and hopefully a good-looking if probably orthodontically-challenged Scots boy or two to take home and corrupt. Not all at once, of course. And now, back to the studio. Ayesha?

Studio: Thank you very much for joining us, and good night.


cathy_n said...

lol! I sympathize, I really do...

Sounds like it's time to beg for a cable upgrade. Some of the more premier providers will show the previous day's (or week's) US shows. I used to watch Letterman in Norway, another country where everything closes early and there's only 5 million people.

As for shopping? There may be the rare shopping center that stays open until 7-8pm. Train stations and airports sometimes contain shops that are open a bit later than the shops on the street. Very few shops in Norway (and other parts of Europe) had the exemption that allowed them to keep employees working that late, but the few who did tended to be large chain shops -- stuff like 7-11 and the big supermarkets.

On the plus side, the city of Dundee has one kickass crest:

I wonder if any of the local colleges would have some community resources like interesting events and/or cute Scot boys who can a) tell you where to find the shops that are open late b) let you come over to their house for real cable TV? I see one of the colleges specializes in digital entertainment. You might be quite a hit! (

Duncan Bowring said...

hahaha :)